NT scan and time

Saturday we celebrated being 12 weeks along.  Yesterday we had our NT scan to rule out any neural tube defects.  Everything looked great on ultrasound.  I had bloodwork done as well but the results for that, to rule out downs, won't be available for awhile.  They do plan on calling me with the results which they said may be before my cerclage.  The MFM's office was crazy busy yesterday.  So much so that out of the two hours that I was there the majority of it was spent in the waiting room.  I wasn't anticipating that and didn't bring a granola bar like I usually do to try to keep the nausea at bay.  I was lightheaded and irritable after my consult with the nurse, so much so that I walked out of there without any new pictures of Cinco.  The ultrasound tech that I had was new.  It took her a very long time to get a good shot of the back of Cinco's neck.  This is where the irritation started.  My stomach strarted growling on the ultrasound table and having her push rather harshly on my hungry, empty belly with a side of full bladder almost earned her a kick in the back.  She finally got the picture she needed and I was sent to the waiting room to wait for the MFM to view the scans.  The full waiting room was obnoxious and I was ready to leave but we were all there to see the same man who just so happened to be out on an emergency delivery so ... I let it slide this time!  :)

Time is really flying by.  Carter is 20 months old today.  Four more months until his second birthday!  How is this possible?  The second year is going by faster than the first year did.  I would be lying if I told you I don't tear up thinking about my little boy growing up.  Jason and I have already started researching preschools.  Gasp!  He amazes me every single day.  I could sit and stare at him for hours.  Watching him while he learns, plays, smiles, and even cries is the most amazing gift I have ever had bestowed upon me. I sometimes feel like I'm a broken record when I say this but I wake up (even in a morning sickness haze) and constantly tell myself how lucky I am to be walking down my stairs, through the hallway, and to the nursery where every morning I'm greeted with "Hi, mama! Car???"  I have tears in my eyes as I type that knowing that in a few hours I will be hearing that exact line in the sweetest little voice you ever did hear.

With an upcoming 2nd birthday for Bean, I can't help but think of all the "family" members who have yet to see him.  I thought I had been to the acceptance part of all of this but when it gets thrown in my face as if it's my fault I can't help but get upset.  I have to remind myself though that if and only IF these people wanted anything to do with my son's life THEY would have made an effort.  For it is them who are truly missing out of the magic that this little boy is.  Sadly, I fear the same for Cinco.  But, it is probably better off for both of them to never know what it feels like to have your heart broken by those in your family.  If I can protect them from that and it hurts my heart along the way, then I will continue to do so to keep their hearts whole as long as I can.  It's the least I can do as their mother.

Into the 2nd trimester we go

Cinco is 12 weeks along today.  We are officially heading into the second trimester.  All of a sudden I'm horribly overwhelmed.  We have not done a single thing to the new baby room and all I've purchased is a set of sheets.  Time to buckle down.

With the second trimester just a week away I'm hoping with every fiber of my being the "night sickness" goes away.  I haven't been sleeping well because of nausea and my allergies.  I'm a hot mess over here.

My cerclage is less than 3 weeks away. I'm only slightly nervous.   More like dreading it.  I've been through it before and I didn't like the experience at all since I was awake the whole procedure.  I plan on asking to be sedated.   I hope they will do that for me.

Bean is doing well.  Has a deep obsession with cars.  I've lost count how many we have throughout our house.  He is such a delight.  We've been spending a lot of time outside since the weather has warmed up.

Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine.

Mother's day

I've been on all sides of the Mother's day fence, infertility while doing treatment, without treatment, before babyloss, after babyloss, and with a rainbow here.  I think that some people tend to believe that just because I've had successful IVF's/FET's and brought home a baby that I forget the start of my journey.  Even though I have Carter here and Cinco on board, I haven't forgotten my fellow infertility community.  I haven't forgotten my other babyloss parents.  I also haven't forgotten my three other little boys who first made me a Mom.  I will never forget any of you ... ever.

Whether you are in treatment for IF, taking a break by choice or not, pregnant, ttc, a babyloss mom with a rainbow or no rainbow, a stepmom, a godmother, a birthmom, a fostermom, an egg donor, a surrogate, a mom with all her babies here or a furbaby mom, I acknowledge all of your strength and love today, ladies.  You are all wonderful mother's and I'm thankful to know you all.

We had a beautiful day today.  Jason let me sleep in and then made me breakfast in bed which I got to share with the cutest 1 1/2 year old.  Then we headed out to my Mom's house and had dinner with my family.  All the heartache I've experienced I still find myself to be incredibly lucky to have the family that I do and the amazing little boy who calls me "mama."

I hope today was gentle and peaceful on all of you Mom's out there.

Happy May

Last week was my first appointment with the MFM.  It was nice seeing everyone again and they were all excited to have me back as a patient.  The MFM joked that I should have two more babies, I told him I would if he would pay for the nanny for me.  The joke ended there.  Hah.

We talked for almost two hours.  I had an ultrasound done prior and Cinco looks great.  HB was around 174bpm which leads me to think this is another boy.  We also set the date for my cerclage!!  June 6th.  Two days before our 6th wedding anniversary.  How romantic, I know.  But, it's all for a great cause!

I am to report to the hospital at 6am and the procedure will be done at 8am.  To say that I am not looking forward to this is an understatement.  I remember how it went last time and it was not a pleasant experience from start to finish.  The finishing touches being me puking on the operating table and then getting to my recovery room where Jason waited for me and I waited for my body to become un-numb.  Coming down from a spinal tap is wicked harsh.  I was shivering so bad and it was the early summer last time too.  At least now I know what to expect.  The removing of the cerclage is by far the worst.  I'm hoping the MFM will just come in and do it himself instead of a PA going in and trying to poke around in there for 20 minutes before finally giving up.  Talk about UNPLEASANT!

I will have an ultrasound a week or two after the cerclage is placed to make sure it's still in good standing.  This ultrasound with Carter is when we were able to tell that he was indeed a boy so I'm hoping the baby will cooperate and show his/her goods by that point as well.  Again, with our track record of boys, I'm already calling this little bean a boy as well.

_______________________________________

Other than that things at home and work are crazy.  I am no longer working which is both terrifying and exciting at the same time.  I'm going to continue my search for employment but it will get serious after Cinco gets here. 

Jason got offered a new position.  He goes for orientation on the 13th.  We are keeping our fingers crossed that it will all work out great for him.  This would be such a wonderful and needed change for him because he is so incredibly unhappy at his current job.  Please keep him in your thoughts as we embark on this new journey.

Bean is still as happy as ever.  I try to get out of the house as much as I can physically do.  It ends up being really good for both of us but, man, does it get tiresome watching a toddler run around while holding back the urge to puke.  I'm hoping with EVERYTHING in me that the nausea will subside once the second trimester hits.  I miss food and meal planning and being at my best for my family.  My poor house looks like it has morning sickness.  It's that bad. 

Thankfully I have my parents who will let me come over anytime with Bean and let him run around their house/yards while I sit back, watch, rest and try not to hurl.  Having the nice weather that we've been having this past week has helped tremendously.  If I can't get outside it's just nice to play in the living room with the boy while we have the windows open.  I love this time of year.

Not a good day

I wasn't at my best today.  TMI but between feeling nauseated all day and trying to not take as many Zofran as possible because they make me horribly constipated makes me a sad, uncomfortable, grump of a mama.

On my good days (which are rare) I can usually get out of the house with Bean or can keep him rather entertained inside.   Today was NOT one of those days.  I napped the same time he did twice today.  I laid in his room while he played around me.  I put Sesame Street or Pocoyo on Netflix for him while I barely made us lunch.  I let him play his toddler games on my phone numerous times while I sat next to him with my eyes shut wishing away the urge to puke.

Being pregnant with a toddler is no joke.  Last time I could nap or puke with no worry.  I can tell he knows I don't feel well though.  He starts wanting to be close and snuggly (but his version of being close to me means climbing all over me until he's comfy .. silly kid) and I take full advantage of the few moments of stillness by handing him my phone or turning the TV on for him.  Not my proudest mom moments but hey, when I'm by myself, I'm in full blown survival mode here. 

I do think though that once we are done away with this nasty weather, I'm going to start taking full advantage of my parents help ( yes even my father is starting to step up to the plate when it comes to Bean) and bringing Carter over to their house and resting while Carter gets the much needed one-on-one that he deserves while I'm feeling icky and while Jason is at work.

I'm so hoping that once my second trimester hits I will be done with this all around feeling lousy business and get back to being able to have fun with my littke dude.