What it was like that awful day.

My heart just aches for my boys. I was watching Extreme Makeover on TV, I'm pretty sure it was a rerun, but this family had a little boy who had a fatal disease. He was born alive, but passed away peacefully a few hours later. Surrounded by his family. A hospital room full of love and sadness. The same situation happened on January 31st 2009 to me and my family.

I cannot for the life of me remember the time that anything happened as it was all a blur. I didn't even know what time it was when I gave birth to the boys. Later on I would find out that Logan was born at 9:06am and Brody at 9:28am. I remember on the 30th, sitting in the Labor and Delivery room feeling somewhat OK. We were waiting on my blood results to see if my levels were going in the right direction. In comes Dr. R, the high risk Dr, and his team of interns. They all had very long faces and some would not look me in the eyes. Dr. R sat down and that is when I knew my life would change forever.

Dr. R in his calm, sensitive, compassionate voice explained to us that my levels are decreasing at a very alarming rate. It was diagnosed as HELLP syndrome. I was on the verge of having a seizure and possibly going into a coma and the only way to prevent this was to deliver the babies. There was no way around it he said. I immediately started sobbing and the next thing I remember was Jason holding me as the Dr's sat there and watched us cry. Shortly afterwards they left the room and Jason and I just held each other and realized our dreams of raising our babies was going to be over in a matter of hours. In a blink of an eye.

Jason made the call to my Mom and my sister to come to the hospital as soon as possible and was choking back tears in the process as I sat there, holding my stomach, praying silently to a God whom I would soon be angry at to please save my sons life. Not mine. Theirs. This is the first time I have admitted this.

Our family was there in a matter of hours. I was immediatley hooked up to an IV of Magnesium Sulfate. The concoction, I would learn would make me feel like death. I was given a shot in my cervix and given suppositories to start dilatation. Jason and my Mom were in the room with me when I was given this stuff. I was scared out of my mind and felt horrible on that magnesium. I remember that they were both on my left side, Jason holding my hand, my Mom holding Jason, both crying and scared themselves. My poor husband. I can't even explain how it was to see my husband sobbing uncontrollably. It was literally the most heartbreaking thing I have ever witnessed. And so we waited for the contractions.

My in-laws went to get a hotel room, my Dad and grandparents all went home to get some rest because the Dr's said I wouldn't get contractions probably until the next day. My Mom, sister, and Jason were there with me the entire night. Poor Jason was so exhausted he passed out first. My contractions started. A pain that I have never felt in my life. A pain I should have been feeling much later on. Not at five and 1/2 months.

I do not recall this but at one point in the midst of my contractions, it was just my sister and I. Apparently I looked over at my sister and told her that I was afraid to fall asleep in fear that I would not wake up. She told me a few days later about our conversation and how she stayed up the entire night after that and watched my chest to make sure I was breathing. Be still my heart. My darling little sister was sitting there watching her sister suffer because of the babies in her womb that she herself helped create. My sister would later have terrible nightmares because of everything that happened that day.

The next morning. My contractions are getting closer together. I maybe had 4 hours of sleep. I remember I was laying on my right side, someone was rubbing my back because I was having terrible back labor. Then it happened. I felt a pop. My water broke. I knew it was going to be over soon. I almost didn't want to even tell anyone so that I could just have a few more minutes with my sons alive and inside of me.

Everything from this point on was such a hectic blur. People franticlly moving around me. Tons of Drs and nurses coming in and out. Finally my legs were propped in the stirrups, my dear Jason on my left side and my Mom on my right side. It was time to push. I cannot even tell you how long I pushed I was so out of it. I remember feeling every little bit of my labor even though I was hooked up to a morphine pump. The Dr kept telling me to push the buttom to administer more pain meds into my system. I didn't want to. The least I could do was feel the pain. I did. I do not regret it, not for a minute. I felt him coming down the birth canal. I felt him come out. My little Logan. My nurse cleaned him off and dressed him and I got to hold him. I kissed his sweet little forehead and it was oh so warm with life. He then went into his grandmother's arms where, two hours later, he would pass away peacefully. It was then time for me to focus on getting Brody out. Again, I felt every little bit of him coming out and honestly it felt like he came down the birth canal sideways because he hurt A LOT more than Logan did. My poor Brody was so bruised from the induction meds. I would kiss him and feel his warmth as well and went straight to the arms of his Aunt Noelle. Jason couldn't look at them. He was so shaken and upset he fell to the floor. Our beautiful sons were alive this entire time.

I now was beyond exhausted at this point. The magnesium drains you of every ounce of energy that you have, it honestly is horrible stuff. I had to deliever the placentas. I tried. With everything in me. I just couldn't. I had to have a D&C. By the time I came to from my operation the boys had passed away. I woke up hazy but saw the most beautiful site my eyes have seen. My mother holding my sweet baby boys. A site that I will never forget for as long as my mind holds onto the memory.

I was wheeled back into L&D where I would hold my sons for the last time. I kissed their heads and by this time they were cold. There was no more life in their tiny bodies. Everyone held them for one final time and said their final goodbye to their nephews, grandsons and great-grandsons. Our room was filled with so much love it was unbelievable. The nurse took our boys away and then Jason and I began life ..... without our sons.